Computerwitze
Computer
^[:wq! Crap! Thought I was in vi. -- Steven Clarke
When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson
Motif 2.0 will ship well before the sun burns out, unless we decide to change the name first, and will contain a free plastic spaceman in every box. -- David Brooks
C is often described, with a mixture of fondness and disdain varying according to the speaker, as "a language that combines all the elegance and power of assembly language with all the readability and maintainability of assembly language." -- MIT Jargon Dictionary
The 486 is to a modern CPU as a Jules Verne reprint is to a modern SF novel. -- Henry Spencer
Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. -- Michael Sinz, Commodore-Amiga Inc.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Kulawi
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. -- Robert X. Cringely
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. -- Jeff Raskin
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. -- Nathaniel Borenstein
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 m/sec/sec. -- Marcus Dolengo
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. -- Jeff Pesis
It's so fast, it can do an infinite loop in 30 seconds. -- Brian Bechtel, on the then new Mac IIfx
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM (1943)
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home. -- Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment (1977)
We believe that God is on our side. -- Netscape chief executive James Barksdale
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. -- Alan Perlis
The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -- Jeremy S. Anderson
It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years. -- John von Neumann (1949)
Contrasting this modest effort [of Seymour Cray in his laboratory to build the CDC 6600] with 34 people including the janitor with our vast development activities, I fail to understand why we have lost our industry leadership position by letting someone else offer the world's most powerful computer. -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM (1965)
It seems Mr. Watson has answered his own question. -- Seymour Cray
This is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation's [IBM's] Galaxy-wide success is founded...their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their superficial design flaws. -- T. H. Nelson, Computer Lib. (1988)
Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers. -- Robert Hummel
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- Donald Knuth
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook
Documentation
The number of UNIX machines has grown to 10 with more expected. -- The UNIX manual (1972)
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
Now that we have all this useful information, it would be nice to do something with it. (Actually, it can be emotionally fulfilling just to get the information. This is usually only true, however, if you have the social life of a kumquat.) -- Unix Programmer's Manual
This document describes the usage and input syntax of the Unix Vax-11 assembler As. As is designed for assembling code produced by the C compiler; certain concessions have been made to handle code written directly by people, but in general little sympathy has been extended. -- Berkeley Vax/Unix Assembler Reference Manual (1983)
Do not expose your LaserWriter to fire or intense heat. -- Apple LaserWriter manual
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. -- IBM maintenance manual (1925)
TUNEFS(8) MAINTENANCE COMMANDS TUNEFS(8) You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish.
REBOOT(8) ConvexOS Man Pages REBOOT(8) -n option avoids the sync. It can be used if a disk or the processor is on fire.
One item could not be deleted because it was missing. -- Mac System 7.0b1 error message
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. -- PC Bios message
Emacs & vi
EMACS: "Eight Megs And Constantly Swapping"
I was once shown how to do this same thing in emacs as a single keystroke, by a centipede. (Something like [ctrl]-[alt]-[meta]-[beta]-[tometa]-% while pushing the control on your toaster to "VERY VERY DARK" and changing the station on your TV to the Home Editing Channel.) -- rlr@panix.com
Some people do their laundry in emacs, but I find typing C-X-^W-q-L-TT to add the fabric softener to be a bit cumbersome. -- rlr@panix.com
Vi vs. Emacs debate:
Top Ten Reasons to Use vi
10. You don't have to recompile the sources when you get a new machine. 9. It's super powerful 8. It brings admiration at Chinese dinner with Geeks 7. It's cryptic, and therefore builds character 6. It doesn't use any keys that aren't on your keyboard 5. It's even available on a DOS machine 4. It was written by a man named Joy 3. It has a short 2 letter name 2. It's on every UNIX machine you'd ever want to be on 1. It's useful for Korn Shell Command Line Editing
Top Ten Reasons to Use GNU Emacs
10. Tower-of-Hanoi routines provide entertainment while editing. 9. Widespread installation assists CSRG crew, whose pension fund has been heavily invested in Maxtor since 4.2 BSD. 8. 50-50 chance of discovering new feature each time it's executed. 7. Thick manual even better than Interlisp book for inducing satori via impact in undergrad hackers. 6. Subliminal messages flashed on screen during global search/replace urge "Stallman for President". 5. Uses all the keys on your keyboard, plus some 3-key combinations that alleviate carpal tunnel syndrome. 4. Helps support "When you don't pay for software, don't pay for *American* software" campaign. 3. Continued use allows embedded self-organizing neural network code to take first steps up evolutionary ladder. 2. Emulates ex/vi, ep, xed, E, ned, and several other as-yet-undiscovered editors at only a fraction of their speed. 1. It's useful for Korn Shell Command Line Editing.
Computer Terms
ALPHA: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
BETA: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
COMPUTER: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Hitler became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU: Central Propulsion Unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286 model, a ferret if it's a 386, and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
DEFAULT DIRECTORY: Black Hole. Default directory is where all the files that you need disappear to.
ERROR MESSAGE: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for their program's shortcomings.
FILE: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown (which can kill you, just ask Hitler).
HARDWARE: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered when inclined to do so.
HELP: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning a damn thing.
INPUT/OUTPUT: Information is "input" from the keyboard as intelligible data and "output" to the printer as unrecognizable crap.
MEMORY: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
PRINTER: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.
PROGRAMMERS: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons and memorized "Star Trek" episodes; now millionaires who create "user friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
REFERENCE MANUAL: Object used to raise the monitor to eye level. Also handy to compensate for that short table leg.
SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
USER FRIENDLY: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
USERS: Collective term for those who stare blankly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice users are those who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users are those who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. And expert users are those who break other people's computers.
== Misc.==
Hit any user to continue.
God is real, unless declared integer.
Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little.
Real Programmers never work from 9 to 5. If any real programmer is around at 9 a.m., it's because they were up all night.
Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to core dump.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only This page intentionally left blank, and 20% of the definitions are of the form A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They just make darkness the standard.
The brain is like a computer. There really aren't any stupid people, just people running DOS.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
Undocumented Opcodes:
HCF - halt and catch fire
SHE - swap halves if equal
ECE - Electrocute Customer Engineer
BPO - Branch on Power Off
RBT - Rewind and Break Tape
JR - Jump Random
POO - Punch out operator
CSR - Crash system randomly
RST - Rewind and stretch tape
EPI - Execute Programmer Immediate
BCR - Backspace Card Reader
RSC - Read and Shred card